Self Control Self Denial
by cowbell
Summary: Episode 4.10 and Ruth has just told Angela Wells that she slept with Angela's ex-lover, Ruth's step-brother, Peter Haig. Harry talks to Ruth in a corridor afterwards, the first part of the dialogue is the same but here's where I think it should have gone.
1. Chapter 1

**Its ten minutes before the end of 4.10 and Ruth has just told Angela Wells that she slept with Angela's ex-lover, Ruth's step-brother. Harry talks to Ruth in a corridor afterwards, the first part of the dialogue is the same but here's where I think it should have gone….**

**I don't own Spooks, Kudos or BBC :0(**

**XXX-XXX**

"Well done."

"You think so?"

"You broke her"

"Maybe I broke me too"

"That's adrenaline withdrawal."

"Oh, is that what it is? Good, good. Thank you."

"Ruth…"

"I lied! I told her I'd slept with my step brother. I sold myself; my feelings to manipulate her."

Ruth tries to get away from Harry, disgusted with herself at her actions. Harry grabs her arms and stops her. He leans in close, angry.

"You think I am a limited man? You think I don't understand the emotional side? Self-control. Self-denial. These are the things that keep us together in this job! You told a huge lie about your personal life…" Harry says holding onto her arm still, a hairs breadth from her face.

Looking at him, her eyes wide with hatred she is still pinned to the wall.

"Yes, and I can't bear that I did" she snarls back at him

"And aren't you proud you had the nerve to tell that lie?"

"It was horrible!"

"Aren't you proud you told the lie? Aren't you proud you talked Angela out of that room?" Harry growls, his face beaded with sweat, the passion in eyes apparent.

Ruth looks away, too caught up conflicting emotions. She shakes her head slowly.

"Oh, God forgive me" she replies looking to the floor

"You're a born Spook Ruth" Harry whispers

She looks into his eyes, a mutual understanding locked in that gaze. As he turns to walk away she grabs his arm.

"Don't you ever ask me to drag up my personal life for the sake of your operations again Harry!" she demands, fixing her steely blue eyes on him.

He thought he had got away just in time for his defences to remain intact when she grabbed him but now he finds them crumbling down around him. Leaning in close he growls into her ear.

"You think I can bear it? You think I can bear seeing you hurting? You think I can bear even the possibility of that lie you told?"

He pulls back and sets his eyes on hers. The anger and passion that had passed between them seconds ago has changed. He looks sad, defeated.

"What do you mean?"

"It doesn't matter…"

"Yes it does"

Their breath is one, noses almost touching as Malcolm appears at the end of the corridor. Seeing the scene before him he begins his retreat.

"Yes Malcolm?" Harry turns, relieved of the sudden interruption.

"Sorry…. There is plastic explosive, but no mechanism"

"Thank you Malcolm" Harry says as he turns away from Ruth

"We're not finished Harry" Ruth calls after him

"No Ruth, I don't suspect that we are"

Harry marches back onto the Grid leaving Ruth rooted to the spot. She feels guilty for lying to Angela, she feels angry at herself for being so easily manipulated but mostly she feels frustrated at this passion she has for her insufferable boss who rattles her so entirely and yet, at the same time sets her knees to jelly. 'Bloody man!' she thinks to herself.

She takes a few minutes to lock away her emotions and returns to the Grid.

**XXX-XXX**

**Will Harry tell her what she wanted to hear? **


	2. Chapter 2

**Returning to her desk Ruth is surprised to find a document missing from the file Angela was looking at and so unfold the events at Buckingham Palace and Pegasus. Harry calls Ruth from his mobile.**

**XXX-XXX**

"Ruth get an ambulance out the front, Adam's been shot!"

"Yes Harry" she says quickly, hanging up.

Twenty minutes later Harry enters through the pod, Adams blood on his shirt.

"Harry, are you hurt?" cries Ruth running up to him

"No…no, I am fine. Adam's not. Angela Wells shot him, tried to shoot me too"

"Harry, how bad is Adam?" pipes up Zaf

"Hard to say…lots of blood"

"We just heard…" In unison, Malcolm and Colin walk out of their office.

"If you don't mind I'll just…" Harry continues, pointing to his office.

"Of course" Malcolm mumbles

Harry goes into his office, slides the door shut and pulls the blinds closed. Zaf wheels himself over to Ruth's desk.

"Go and see him Ruth…"

"I don't know… it looks like he wants to be alone"

"He needs you Ruth"

"Does he? It's hard to tell…."

"More than anyone I'd say."

"Really? Well I'll just pop my head round the door then, see if he wants a cup of tea."

Ruth softly knocks on Harry's door before sliding it open. Harry is stood behind his desk, naked from the waist up.

"Harry..I….oh, um…..sorry"

Harry pulls out a freshly wrapped shirt from his desk drawer and completely nonplussed looks up at Ruth.

"Ruth."

"I..um, just wondered if you'd like a cup of tea?"

"Not really, I was about to open a bottle of Scotch once I'd got changed"

"Oh right well, I'll um...leave you to it then" Ruth stutters unable to draw her eyes away from Harry's chest.

Harry, smiling a little at Ruth's obviousness, nods to the chair.

"Want one?" he says pointing to the drinks tray

"Um…"

"Just give me second to get these blasted plastic hooks off this shirt and I'll be with you."

"Let me…"

Ruth closes the door behind her and gingerly steps closer to half-dressed Harry. She holds out her hand and takes the shirt from him. She slowly pulls the plastic clips away from the cuffs and removes the cardboard insert. She carefully pulls the pins out of the collar before unthreading the plastic strip holding it stiff. All of these actions are done carefully and extremely slowly. The deliciousness of Harry's half-naked form is far too enjoyable to be rushed!

"Take your time Ruth! I am feeling a little vulnerable here" Harry says folding his arms high above his chest, purposefully covering his nipples.

"You invited me in…." smiles Ruth, looking up at him and handing him back his shirt

"Thank you Ruth"

Pulling it on he has to undo his trousers to tuck the shirt in, Ruth blushes slightly when she spies his underwear. Was that polka dots she saw?

"Right, Scotch." Harry sighs opening a new bottle of Ardbeg. He pours a generous measure into both glasses and hands one to Ruth.

"What a bloody day" he growls knocking back half the tumbler in one go.

"Bloody awful day…. "Ruth agrees, sipping her drink. Waiting for Harry to say something, maybe the thing he was trying to say earlier Ruth keeps quiet. The sound of Harry's phone breaks the brief silence between them.

"Pearce!"

Harry's face softens as the call progresses and breaks into the smallest smile as he hangs up.

"Adam's going to be OK. Shoulder wound, couple of days in hospital and he'll be fine."

"Good news"

Harry knocks back the last of his Scotch and stands to get another. He is quiet, too quiet. Ruth, her drink barely touched stands too and sets her glass down on Harry's desk

"Well….if there's nothing else Harry I'll…"

"Wait. Ruth..I…."

"Yes Harry?"

"The thing we were talking about earlier.."

"About the lie I told?"

"Yes...and …and how I couldn't bear the thought of it being true"

"What about it Harry?"

"I heard everything you said to Angela. I was just outside the door. You were so…so, convincing."

"Born Spook you said"

"Yes… but apart from being so completely impressed at your acting skills.."

"My lying you mean!"

"Well..yes…I found myself feeling.. well, something else"

Ruth moves closer to Harry, the Scotch on his breath fills her senses. They stand millimetres apart, hands at their sides waiting for Harry's confession.

"Something else?"

**XXX-XXX**

**Come on Harry, get on with it! Reviews please :0)**


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't own Spooks :o(**

**XXX-XXX**

"Yes Ruth, something else."

"Tell me."

"I'm not sure this is the right time…I, um do you have any plans this evening?"

"Yes actually"

"Oh, well another time maybe?"

"Or, you could come along if you wanted…"

"Come along? Where?"

"The Prince of Wales is showing The Red Shoes tonight…. "

"Your favourite film.."

"Yes."

"I'd love to come along, if that's OK?"

"Of course. It starts at eight o'clock.. I'll meet you there?"

"Are you sure? I can pick you up if you like?"

"It's OK Harry, I like getting the bus.. I'll meet you outside at quarter to" she says heading for the door.

Harry nods slowly, a smile flickers quickly across his lips as Ruth closes the door to his office.

Ruth gathers up her coat and shoots a quick smile to Harry, visibly cheerier through his office window before exiting through the pods.

**6.56pm**

Harry, having just arrived home quickly takes Scarlett out for a pee on the grass verge before running upstairs, stripping off and jumping in the shower. He doesn't wait for the water to heat up, he hasn't got time. As the cold water hits him he is woken from the daze he has been in since he made a date with Ruth earlier and now he has just fifty minutes to get across to Leicester Square to make that date. He grabs the shower gel from the floor and squeezing a big blob of the gooey blue substance into his palms he works it through his hair ferociously. Every part of his body gets the same attention right down to his toes. He lets the warm water rinse away the bubbles and he gets out of the shower. In his bedroom, having towelled himself off he selects a pair of casual blue trousers, a white shirt and a blue cashmere crew neck jumper.

Ruth meanwhile is now carefully choosing a different outfit to wear. She had planned on going to the cinema in her work clothes, but not now. She eventually selects a crimson wraparound dress, it's casual and definitely shows off her body better than the dowdy skirts she wears on the Grid. Pairing it with a small heeled pair of brown knee length boots she turns her attention to her hair. Pulling it out of the ponytail it's been tied up in all day she shakes loose her curls and pulls a brush through it. Deciding on a slightly different approach she roots around under her bed until she finds her straighteners. Plugging them in she applies mascara whilst she waits for the red light to come on. Sliding the straighteners down her hair she looks at the clock. Damn! Bus leaves in ten minutes. Quickly zipping up her boots and rushing downstairs Ruth forgets the straighteners hastily thrown onto the lid of the laundry basket as she heads out of the front door. Running down the road she reaches the bus just before the doors close.

**7.51pm**

"Ruth!" Harry shouts running up from Leicester Square "Sorry I'm late"

"Hi Harry... not late, just on time."

Reaching her, panting he kisses her clumsily on the cheek

"Shall we?" he says, still out of breath

"Lets…I got the tickets"

"Oh Ruth, thank you.. will you let me get the ice cream?"

"I'd prefer popcorn" Ruth says smiling warmly at Harry.

She leans into him as they queue at the kiosk, he smells fresh, his hair is slightly damp. She can't yet see what he is wearing apart from a pair of blue trousers, everything else is covered by a black jacket. The kind he wears when he goes into the field. Harry steps back and takes in Ruth's beauty as the people in front of him order coffee.

"You look beautiful Ruth."

"Thank you" she replies, blushing slightly

"Sweet or salty?"

"Sweet please"

"Oh but Ruth you are sweet enough!" he grins

"Cheesy Harry, very cheesy!"

"Sorry…I'll see if I can do better as the evening progresses" he growls into her ear

Shivering as she feels Harry's breath penetrate her she slips her arm into his as they step to the front of the queue.

"One large sweet popcorn please" Harry demands smiling at the kiosk attendant

Sitting in the cinema, in the very back row upstairs, Harry and Ruth slowly become accustomed to their new surroundings. Their shoulders touch slightly as they sink into the comfy red chairs, each taking an outside arm rest. The cinema is half-empty, no one else is this far back except them. Harry rests the popcorn box on his lap as Ruth boldly reaches over and dips her hand in. She digs deep and grabs a big handful, smiling sheepishly as she pulls her hand out Harry realises that the box should maybe be positioned elsewhere. The movement of the box in his lap, bought on by Ruth's rummaging, although innocent is somewhat distracting!

Ruth, sensing that her rummaging has had the desired effect smiles to herself as the curtains part and the opening titles appear on the screen before them.

**XXX-XXX**

**Got a few more chapters to come yet I think…..**


	4. Chapter 4

**Harry and Ruth are alone in the back row of The Prince of Wales Cinema, it is dark, half the box of popcorn, still on Harry's lap has been eaten and the movie is about half way through…..**

**I don't own Kudos, BBC or Spooks**

**XXX-XXX**

Not sure he can take the sexual tension radiating between them much longer Harry shifts the popcorn off his lap and places it on the floor. Ruth looks over with a slight smile but in the dark she cannot yet see the fruits of her labour. Their inside arms simultaneously move to the armrest between them, Harry's arriving first nudges Ruth's off. They look at each other and smile.

"Sorry…." Harry says blushing

"No…no, actually I think it would be fairer if we did this…" Ruth suggests raising the armrest, freeing the barrier between them.

"I didn't know they did that" Harry says shifting closer to Ruth "I'd have moved it earlier" he growls into her ear.

Ruth, once again turned to jelly by Harry's soft sexy voice in her ear boldly places her hand on his thigh. Good grief, they are like two teenagers on a first date! What will happen next? Will Harry yawn and stretch his arm across the back of her seat! Not that she minded. There was something so noble about being carefully and slowly seduced. At least, that's what she hoped Harry was doing!

Harry gently places his hand, strong and a little clammy over Ruth's. Ruth leans into Harry and softly whispers in his ear.

"Tell me Harry.."

Harry turns, surprised and looks into Ruth's eyes.

"Now?"

"Now."

"I felt jealousy"

Thinking he could leave it there, his wall still slightly intact Ruth deepens her gaze on him and raises her eyebrows, encouraging him to elaborate. Aware that the bricks preventing him from taking this final step have just been demolished in that tiny action Harry sighs and leans in to whisper to her.

"Even the thought of you making love to someone other than me…even he thought of you being in love with someone other than me was almost too much to bear…"

His words are soft and heartfelt and as he pulls away Ruth turns her head and stops him with a kiss.

Taken off guard Harry finds his lips meeting Ruth's in the dark. The initial contact threatening to stop his heart in its tracks. As the kiss intensifies Harry, with every ounce of strength he has left shuts his eyes. Behind his eyelids stars fill his senses as he feels Ruth running her hands through his hair. This was a kiss like no other. In this kiss he realises he has been joined together with his one true love. As the passion grows they become one, at last. Wrapped up in each others embrace for an eternity the only thing that breaks them apart is the glare of the house lights signalling the end of the film. Pulling apart, flushed and both grinning widely Ruth is the first to speak.

"About bloody time" she smile, teasing him.

Looking at Ruth intensely he kisses her swollen lips once more.

"Definitely worth the wait I'd say" he mumbles, his mouth now buried in her neck.

Ruth playfully pulls away, "Come on…back to mine."

"Lead on!"

They just about make it to Harry's car before their pent up passion threatens to get them arrested for indecent behaviour in Leicester Square. Once inside the car Harry's hands find their way around Ruth's waist and cupping his face in her hands she pulls him in for another kiss. Breathing hard against each other Harry pulls away.

"Yours..now!"

Flushed and giggling, Ruth sits back and fumbles for the seatbelt. She looks across at Harry, hair messed up by her wandering hands and looking more deliciously flustered than she has ever seen him before. She casts a furtive glance in the direction of his nether regions. The sight that meets her eyes takes her breath away a little as she smiles secretly to herself. They speed through the streets of London, Ruth's hands stoically glued to her lap, Harry's focus on getting to Ruth's as soon as humanly possible. The tension in the car, palpable.

As they turn into Ruth's street the sight of billowing smoke and fire engines stops them in their tracks.

**XXX-XXX**

**Oh Ruth :0(**


	5. Chapter 5

**I don't own Spooks, Kudos or BBC**

**XXX-XXX**

"Oh God, Harry..that's not my….!"

Harry puts his foot down and screeches to a halt outside Ruth's house. Firefighters on ladders hose water into Ruth's bedroom where most of the smoke seems to be escaping from.

Running from the car Ruth stops just short of her garden path before Harry catches up with her and wraps her up in his arms. She fights against him, arms flailing and hysterical.

"My house Harry! Get off…I need to get my stuff…. My books! Harry….. my books! My photos…Fidget! My cat…I need to get my cat….leave me alone Harry!"

Harry holds tight as one of the firefighters comes over.

"We got here in time to contain the fire to just the room at the front here" he says pointing upstairs to Ruth's bedroom "The rest of the house, as far as we can see is untouched although we will need to check the structure of the ceiling below that room before you could go in."

Ruth, having calmed a little sobs a brief 'thank you' to the firefighter before he continues.

"Any idea what could have caused the fire?"

Ruth shakes her head.

And yet as her hair shakes from side to side a she suddenly remembers the hair straighteners.

"Oh God…how could I have been so stupid" she says burying her head into Harry's chest

"Sorry Madam?"

"I…it's …I... think my hair straighteners may have been left on"

Feeling completely stupid for doing something so ridiculously obvious and ditzy, Ruth moves away from Harry, unable to face either of the men standing before her now. Walking back to Harry's car people are standing in their front rooms looking at the scene, some have come out of their homes to watch from their front gardens. Ruth doesn't know any of them. Since she moved down from Cheltenham she hasn't had a chance to acquaint herself with any of her neighbours, not with the hours she puts in on The Grid. Ruth looks over at Harry who is still on the pavement talking to the firefighter.

"Most common call outs these days.." the firefighter says

"What's that?"

"Hair straighteners, hair curlers, that kind of thing"

"Oh…um, what do you need us to do now?"

"Just need a mobile number, we'll arrange for a locksmith tonight and call you tomorrow when we've assessed the damage."

"OK, here this is my number" Harry says giving him a fake business card with a real number on it

Harry looks down as he feels something brush against his leg. Picking up the cat he hopes with all his heart he has just met the famous Fidget for the first time.

Walking over to his car, cradling the cat he can see Ruth sitting in the passenger seat, her head buried in her hands. He silently opens the drivers door and allows the cat to hop onto his seat. It meows. Ruth's head shoots up "Fidget!" she exclaims relieved "Oh Fidget!"

Harry gently smiles at them both as he ponders on the most extraordinary evening. "Come on, let me take you both back to mine."

"But what about my stuff?"

"Ruth, you can't go in until tomorrow at the very earliest. They have put the fire out now but they won't know until tomorrow if it is safe to go in."

"I don't know how I could have been so stupid Harry. I feel like such an idiot"

Taking her hand and stroking the back of it gently with his thumb he tells her that she is not an idiot, that it was completely worth it because her hair looks amazing (he got a gentle punch on the arm for that remark) and that everything would be OK because all her really valuable stuff was downstairs, safe in her living room. He would take her home and in the morning he would take her shopping for all the things she needed. There was fish in the freezer if Fidget was hungry and she should just let him take care of everything.

Giving in to someone else's control was not something Ruth was used to but she decided, in this case she really didn't have a choice.

"I gave them my mobile number, they said that was all they needed." Harry said as he buckled up and started the car.

The short journey to Harry's would have been a sombre one had it not been for Fidget, who living up to his name entirely would not sit still, no matter how hard Ruth tried to keep him so. She eventually lets him go when he digs a cautionary claw into her thigh.

Arriving at Harry's Ruth quickly undoes her seatbelt and goes in search of her fidgety cat, finding him cowering under her seat she gently teases him out with a high pitched promise of fish.

Harry goes round to the passenger side and takes Fidget from Ruth "Come on you daft cat.. let's get you some fish and then I can take care of your Mum properly."

Ruth smiles inwardly, shrugs her shoulders and takes Harry's outstretched hand allowing him to take control, no not control…but to take care of her. It's about time she let someone do that. 'someone like you' she thinks to herself looking at Harry juggling door keys and her cat. Opening the door and dropping Fidget Ruth gets her first look at Harry's house and it is nothing like what she expected.

**XXX-XXX**

**More to come….**


	6. Chapter 6

**Meanwhile at Harry's house…..**

**XXX-XXX**

Walking through Harry's front door Ruth is noticeably taken aback as she steps into his hall.

"You ok Ruth?"

"Yes…it's just I…. I didn't have you down as a….um…purveyor of erotic art?"

"You're referring to the Picasso?"

"Yes. 'Figure by the Sea' if I am not mistaken?"

"I'm impressed Ruth, not so much the Classicist, more the Cubist eh?"

Gently taking her hand he leads her into the front room.

Ruth stands there taking it all in. The walls are a mushroomy white and framed with a white picture rail. Hanging from the picture rail are more Cubist and Expressionist art, most of it subtly erotic. She recognises another Picasso, a Chagall and even a Munch.

"Drink?" Harry offers from the drink cabinet

"Yes…I think I need one."

"I suspect you're still in shock a bit but please try not to worry too much. The important thing is that you and Fidget are safe."

"Yes, I am in shock Harry but not for the reasons you think"

"You don't mean the paintings?"

"Yes Harry" Ruth smiles shyly

"Well, if you think they're bad you should see the Egon Shiele I've got in the bedroom!"

It was out before he had a chance to think. Damn, had he actually just invited her into his bedroom? Too fast Harry, slow down!

"Well, that's quite the proposition!" Ruth replies before Harry can dig himself out of his hole

"I didn't mean… you know" Harry stutters shakily pouring two large glasses of Malbec

"Just teasing….." Ruth smirks. "But seriously Harry I really am completely surprised at your taste in art. I had you down more as a Constable fan"

"Well, I'll take that as a compliment shall I?"

"I love it Harry, it's all so liberal. How do you sit here every night and not think about sex the whole time?"

"Ruth, you little minx! I appreciate these pieces for their artistic quality alone!"

"So that's why they're all of naked women then?"

"Well…. Let's just say I also thoroughly appreciate the female form" Harry teases, moving closer to her.

Sitting on Harry's large brown leather sofa Ruth reaches down and unzips her boots as Harry kicks off his shoes. Placing her wine glass on the side table Ruth brings her knees up and tucks her legs under her bottom, leaning into Harry slightly. He responds by raising his arm and inviting her into a hug. Her arm circles his waist, the cashmere of his jumper soft to the touch. She sinks into his embrace, safe, barriers lowered and sighs.

"You OK?"

"I was just thinking…."

"Go on."

"That this has been the most unusual first date I have ever been on"

"This is a date is it? I thought we were just two work colleagues enjoying each other's company" Harry teases

"Well I certainly am enjoying your company tonight Harry"

"And I am very glad to hear you say that Miss Evershed" he says gently pulling her closer

Ruth looks up into his deep brown eyes and smiles. Harry looks down into her wide blue eyes and lightly brushes her lips with a tender kiss. As nice as it is, Ruth finds herself in the most awkward position, craning her neck to meet his lips. Drawing back Ruth shifts her leg over Harry's lap so she can sit astride him. Wrapping his arms around her waist she passionately runs her fingers through his hair as Harry rains kisses on her mouth, her neck and pulling her dress down a little, her shoulders. Ruth, now dizzy with desire unties the dress at the side and allows Harry to pull it away.

"Ruth you are beautiful"

Harry breathes slowly taking her in, glad that the lacy champagne bra she is wearing hadn't got caught up in the fire.

"Harry?"

"Yes"

"You are wearing too many clothes"

Heart racing and realising that she desires him almost as much as he wants her he removes his hands form Ruth's waist and pulls his jumper off over his head.

"Better Harry…but not good enough… let me."

Ruth slowly unbuttons his shirt, behind her Chagall's 'Big Sun' hangs on the wall, egging her on. As Harry's shirt gets discarded behind the back of his sofa Ruth pulls away from his kisses and whispers in his ear.

"I think I'd quite like to see that Egon Shiele now"

**XXX-XXX**

**Awwww, bless them!**


End file.
